It’s crazy to think that in two weeks the Sweet Smith Stories show will have been happening live and in person from Richmond, VA for an entire year. An entire year people! And what a radically different year it has been – different than I would have ever written (if I were actually the writer of my own story). Sitting here, I’ve been asking myself why I continue to be shocked that life still unfolds in completely different ways than I imagine… Truthfully I think it’s because most days I’m still largely unaware of how “not in control” of my life I really am. My systematic brain follows the logical and linear progression of how events should or have historically played out, so when the progression deviates from that – I stand befuddled. But if our transition to Richmond has taught me anything, it’s that I’m finding there is sweet sweet relief in leaving it up to Him. After all, He knows me better than I even know myself…
It’s no secret that one of our greatest struggles and deepest longings since moving to Virginia has been establishing friendships, building community. The heart of our church back in Jacksonville really centered on 3 things: Big Faith. Radical Discipleship. Spiritual Family. All of which are relational at their core. So we had become to accustomed to having any/all opportunities to connect with others & were surrounded by people who held the same desire for authentic friendships. Yet, buying our very first home gave us a starting place. We did our best to pursue relationships with the people God had placed around us – our neighbors! But we quickly realized that, not unlike other places, people here lived their own lives, with their own routines, doing their own things, how they wanted, when they wanted with very little thought of stopping to truly connect with the one living next door (no judgment from this lady – I have been, too often, one of those people). Many times I’ve had flashbacks to being the “new kid” in school, although I will say building friendships when I was younger wasn’t nearly as challenging! And I don’t think our culture helps any – with phrases such as “my tribe” or “my people” being so commonplace now, we’re unconsciously building fences to keep others out. To protect what we have, fearful that opening our lives to anyone might make things messy. And I’ll never cast stones, because I am so guilty of this! But it’s given me a new perspective. It’s helped me see my own propensity to resist opening my life to others, or alternatively to be highly selective about who I will allow in. Thank you Jesus that He doesn’t choose His friends like I do (because if He did, this girl would still be left sitting on the outside looking in).
After getting pregnant with Caden, my fervor for pursuing relationships diminished. I actually still have some guilt around it (wondering if I didn’t love well during that time), but with all of the physical complications & the emotional highs and lows – I just didn’t have the energy to intentionally seek out people. And honestly, I didn’t want to. I still don’t want to. I would even share that with the Lord frequently during our conversations – and mention that if I wasn’t right in feeling that way, then I was going to need Him to change my heart & mind, because I had no desire to be an initiator anymore. Just being real… And while I desperately knew I wanted & truly needed friendships after losing my boy, I can also tell you that it brought a whole new level of “hard” to it as well. If you could get a glimpse into my life for the first 2 months after losing Caden – you might not even recognize the girl you were watching. I did a lot of hiding. A lot. I watched more TV & movies in those first 2 months than I think I’ve watched in the last 6 years combined. I ate constantly. When I was hungry and even when I wasn’t. I avoided phone calls. And I don’t have an ounce of regret or remorse over any of it. In moments, I would feel surprised at my behavior & sometimes self-conscious. Is this healthy? Should I be forcing myself to do & be “more productive”? Should I really be eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon? And then I got the greatest gift I could have – a dear dear friend reminded me to show myself grace. That this behavior, while unable to last forever, was certainly allowable during this time. That eventually I would find my footing again. I would reacclimatize to a new normal, but in the mean time to be gentle on myself.
This advice gave space for me to just breathe deeply. To stop overanalyzing myself (which by default I’m constantly doing). And to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Day by day by day. It was life-giving advice. It reminded me again of the BEAUTY of living a life of surrender to the One who created me. Being able to just “be” – knowing that it was never too much for Him to handle (even if it felt like it was too much for me). I can remember one moment in particular when I had to pull this advice out of my back pocket & remind myself to use it once again…
The church that we’ve been attending is a far cry from any other church we’ve ever been apart of. And, if I’m being honest, I wrote it off initially. At first glance, it just wasn’t my style. The Pastor’s teaching was amazing, but the service itself is extremely traditional. I’m talking hymnals, choir robes & an organ traditional. (Note: I do not think there is ANYTHING wrong with any of the above mentioned. I happen to prefer a more contemporary style of service & worship – but that’s just it, a preference). And yet, every week we were drawn to go back, because every week we met another couple or young family around our age. We sensed that perhaps the Lord was answering our prayers for community, and calling us to lay down our preference for worship. During one Sunday recently, the time for greeting others around you came and I introduced myself to a few people sitting closely around me. Following the service, and I reached down to grab my purse, and as I did I felt someone standing next to me. A sweet young mommy-to-be was standing there, and she happily reached out her hand to me saying “Hi I’m Emilie – I didn’t get a chance to meet you earlier in the service”. She could tell I was knew to the church and after finding out I was also fairly knew to the area – she mentioned she and some other girls in the church were just starting up a Bible study and, if I were interested, she’d love to have me join. We exchanged information & she emailed over all the information for the first Bible study night.
I left church that day feeling pretty excited – a Bible study with girls my own age?!? It was certainly an answered prayer. I really do love that God cares about me – ALL of me – including friendships – which may seem somewhat trivial for God to actually care about. Nevertheless, He does! The following Tuesday evening was the first night of Bible study, and as the night approached, anxiety began to creep in. Have you ever felt like you’re at complete odds within your own self? Like a battle is happening – but the field being fought on is actually in you? So often throughout these past 2 months I have felt that way. My mind will want one thing, but then my heart siezes up at the idea of it. Or sometimes my heart wants something, but my mind tries to rationalize or shame it away? Initially I was really excited at the potential for making new friends, especially with other girls my age (I think I’ve shared with you about my prior attempts in attending Bible studies up here – needless to say, I have been the youngest by DECADES). But as the night drew near, some of my greatest fears post-Caden began to surface.
One of the reasons I hid (and sometimes still hide) after losing Caden was because I couldn’t bring myself to have to relive the reality. Especially being in a city where I had very little community already. Having to face questions like “Do you have any kids?” from well-meaning people who were just trying to get to know me, was more than I could handle. So even though part me of was excited at the opportunity to have a girls night with new friends, there was another very real part that wasn’t sure I could do it. I literally called, texted & emailed all of my family and friends to ask for prayers – that God would shield me from having to answer any questions I just wasn’t ready to answer. And He did! I went to Bible study that week – sweaty, anxious & afraid – but I went, I did my very small part of showing up and God handled the rest!
But then the next week rolled around – and for no reason at all, other than it was a regular Tuesday & grief decided that he wanted to park himself in my home that day – I lost it. I was overwhelmed by the thought of having to go to the Bible study. By the fear of having to face new friends, answer questions, relive any of the story. I battled all day long. Trying to “get myself together”, to “muster up the strength”, but nothing I could do seemed to help. And I felt so so guilty for that. But that’s when the Holy Spirit reminded me of that life-giving advice my friend had shared with me: Allow yourself to be funky some days, show yourself some grace. The advice was echoed by the reassuring voice of my husband who told me, if you don’t feel like you’re up to going, then don’t go! It was the release I needed to stop being so strict with myself & allow grace to have its place…
Are there areas of your life where you need this gentle reminder? Grace isn’t a free pass to live for self, or in partial obedience to what God may be calling you to. But it is a free GIFT, given in love, as a reminder that we don’t have it all together & we never will. But the One who created us, never told us we had to in the first place! If fact, He reminds us over and over again to remain plugged into Him – because He’s the only one to have it all together & He’s the only one who needs to. Somedays we have to remind ourselves that “no rest for the weary” is a lie – and in fact, Jesus beckons us to come to Him and find rest! So today my prayer for me & my prayer for you is that we release ourselves to allow Love to His way in us and through…
xoxo,
Caden’s Mama
Sweet Smith Stories 